THANK YOU. Just about every rock show I've ever attended has had some form of male patronizing and/or "mild" sexual assault. The nicest thing about being almost 50 is that I have become fairly invisible to the majority of men, but that didn't stop me from enduring my white hot rage at a gropy, drunk asshole at the Jason Isbell show a few weeks ago. And they looked older than me, so I am sure they've been acting that way since the early 80s.
One of the amazing things about going to see Pussy Riot in Alabama a couple of years ago was the realization that it was nearly all women at the front. Even the mosh pit was all-female. I actually got a bit teary-eyed when I felt myself physically relax at this realization.
(But then, I was already teary-eyed at seeing them perform Punk Prayer, which I've taught about in Women's & Gender Studies classes.)
All this! So many times I used to go to gigs on my own, because it was my job (reviewing), and there'd always be guys wanting to know "are you with your boyfriend". No, I'M WORKING.
YES YES YES 1000 TIMES YES (especially the part about gross men rubbing up on you at concerts... it's been a long time, I haven't been to a packed concert in many years, but that is definitely a thing that fucking happened/happens).
All of this described behavior has always bugged me and I've always tried to push back and correct when I see it. Honestly, I self-select a friend group that generally contains both men and women who are all big fans of great rock'n'roll and within that group it would be patently absurd for any of the men to act like that. Outside of this group and others similar? It gets ugly fast.
I want to offer a sliver of optimism, though: I operate within a music scene that's generally younger than I, aging 40ish punk rocker, am. The kids in their 20s that I interact with at the house shows I wind up at or the show spaces or clubs do not tolerate this bullshit. In other words, compared to the rest of us, "the kids are allright," as Pete up there might say. Too bad the olds still aren't.
As a married, middle-aged white guy, I find myself collectively apologizing a lot these days for many of the reasons you illustrate here. For all too many, the notion that the male frontal lobe will be fully formed by age 25 is an unfortunate myth likely perpetuated by (yes, you guessed it) middle-aged white guys.
Always enjoy your writing, even when I feel like I have to say "I'm sorry" at the end.
men explain (music) things to me.
THANK YOU. Just about every rock show I've ever attended has had some form of male patronizing and/or "mild" sexual assault. The nicest thing about being almost 50 is that I have become fairly invisible to the majority of men, but that didn't stop me from enduring my white hot rage at a gropy, drunk asshole at the Jason Isbell show a few weeks ago. And they looked older than me, so I am sure they've been acting that way since the early 80s.
One of the amazing things about going to see Pussy Riot in Alabama a couple of years ago was the realization that it was nearly all women at the front. Even the mosh pit was all-female. I actually got a bit teary-eyed when I felt myself physically relax at this realization.
(But then, I was already teary-eyed at seeing them perform Punk Prayer, which I've taught about in Women's & Gender Studies classes.)
All this! So many times I used to go to gigs on my own, because it was my job (reviewing), and there'd always be guys wanting to know "are you with your boyfriend". No, I'M WORKING.
1. Thank you.
2. I get asked so many fucking questions about the shirts I wear, like it's a goddamn quiz.
3. Being 5'2" at these things is a fucking nightmare.
4. I was not expecting to cry while reading your post, but here we are.
5. Toxic masculinity harms gender non-conforming dudes at these things, too (my husband gets threatened and shoved and it's terrifying.)
6. I think you are great.
7. I just remembered the time a guy yanked my ponytail at a show and I'm not okay.
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Thank you.
So. Many. Times.
But yeah--this resonates so much.
This gay man will run defense for you at shows, no problem 🫡
YES YES YES 1000 TIMES YES (especially the part about gross men rubbing up on you at concerts... it's been a long time, I haven't been to a packed concert in many years, but that is definitely a thing that fucking happened/happens).
All of this described behavior has always bugged me and I've always tried to push back and correct when I see it. Honestly, I self-select a friend group that generally contains both men and women who are all big fans of great rock'n'roll and within that group it would be patently absurd for any of the men to act like that. Outside of this group and others similar? It gets ugly fast.
I want to offer a sliver of optimism, though: I operate within a music scene that's generally younger than I, aging 40ish punk rocker, am. The kids in their 20s that I interact with at the house shows I wind up at or the show spaces or clubs do not tolerate this bullshit. In other words, compared to the rest of us, "the kids are allright," as Pete up there might say. Too bad the olds still aren't.
As a married, middle-aged white guy, I find myself collectively apologizing a lot these days for many of the reasons you illustrate here. For all too many, the notion that the male frontal lobe will be fully formed by age 25 is an unfortunate myth likely perpetuated by (yes, you guessed it) middle-aged white guys.
Always enjoy your writing, even when I feel like I have to say "I'm sorry" at the end.